Clmnt

I went grocery shopping at 99 Ranch Market tonight, the one and only in all of San Diego. The first time since I moved, and suddenly it dawned on me — I’m back in San Diego. I have been so preoccupied with moving and settling in that it didn’t really hit me until now. To be fair, living in Hillcrest and working in downtown, these weren’t exactly places I used to frequent when I was in college. No wonder somehow I hadn’t felt like I was back.

It might sound silly, but not having a car and always staying around campus, going to 99 Ranch used to be one of my favorite “get-aways”. It was one of those few places a broke college student actually looked forward to. Or maybe I was just simple-minded and easier to please back then.

Setting foot in that grocery store, memories came flushing back to me. A wave of familiarity followed by tides of discomfort. Nothing much has changed, and yet everything has. I felt like a kid in a candy store, browsing through the whole place aisle by aisle, picking out things I like without hesitation.
Yes, things have definitely changed.
Worrying about rent and living expenses with what little left from the student loans after paying for tuition, “picking out whatever I like” was certainly not part of the picture.

Sometimes, I think it’s easier to start over than to go back to the familiar. Things change, places evolve, people move on. You can’t always rely on whatever that once gave you comfort to remain the same.
You changed.
It’s inevitable. Time demands it. Yet the familiarity is sure to set you up for disappointment, to let you down.
It’s not fair really, expecting things to stay the same while I have come a long way and grown so much myself since then. Foolish, certainly. I guess I was just longing for a home that is no longer there and looking for a memory that has long been gone.

我知道我不是一個人，
但為什麼，
覺得心裡面好像踏著一個影子，
把寂寞拉得又長又黑。

我真的　不是一個人嗎?

no one can hurt you unless you let them. Unless you let your guard down. In that case, I guess you can only blame yourself.

There will be this constant battle between your heart and your brain. Which one you want to follow is up to you, but just remember it’s your choice.

Sometimes, there are things that your heart doesn’t want, but you know it’s for your own good, and in the end you’ll be hurting less.

You try really hard to better yourself, but eventually you just need to realize no matter how hard you try you’ll never be good enough. And you just need to know when to stop and let it go.

Pushing people away is better than being left behind. Just remember that, short pain will always be better than a forever-broken heart.

Not the deep, dark, ocean blue, but a hazy, clear blue, with dashes of translucent white here and there. That was the color of the sky that day.

Under that bright soothing blue was where we lay next to each other, on a grassy field. It wasn’t as comfortable as one would imagine. The grass was slightly scruffy. Instead of scent of fresh meadow, I smelt exhaustion and sweat in that cool summer breeze, the smell of two teenagers after a long bike ride. But it didn’t matter. I gazed at the sky, taking in the scenery and enjoying the moment.

The blue sky.
That was the last thing I could remember clearly before everything became a blur. Someone was blocking the sun and that comforting blue sky. There were butterflies. Whether they were dancing among the swaying grass or in my stomach, that I do not remember. Perhaps both.
It felt like a calm storm, a numbing excitement, a chill warmth, an expected surprise.
A chaotic rhythm, my heartbeat.
I tasted ocean and honey, salty yet sweet.
Your lips on mine.

The same shade of blue.
First thing I saw when you pulled away. There it was on your shirt, on that sweat soaked fabric hanging on your body in between us. How could I not have noticed before.

Time passes, that moment lingers. I wonder if I would once again come upon that particular color, that innocent and genuine blue.